It was around the turn of this century when ideas about how to embrace wellness started to change. It went from busting out half of a Jane Fonda tape and subbing in a vanilla flavored Slim-Fast for dinner (3 points on Weight Watchers!) to where we are today: juiced kale, juiced kale, juiced kale, spin class, yoga, lifting heavy things. It's a welcome shift, but if you're anything like us, adopting these habits can be a bit like visiting the dentist: good for your health, horrible in practice. In fact, here's what we think might actually happen when people try to put down the fried pickles and pick up the organic cucumber popsicles.
Goal: Start your day off right with a high-intensity workout.
Reality: Hit snooze. Hit it again. Hit it again. Tell yourself that you can use the dry shampoo for the third day in a row. What chemicals? Hit it again.
Goal: On your way home from the gym, stop to purchase a $13 bottle of raw juice blend. (The extra cost for the swiss chard, dandelion and hemp protein add-ons is totally worth it.)
Reality: Stumble into the nearest corner deli for a bacon, egg and cheese. Complain when they charge you 25¢ extra to sub cheddar for American.
Goal: Take 1,200 ml of fish oil after breakfast.
Reality: Take a hit of weed.
Goal: Set your intentions for the day.
Reality: Set up your Netflix ‘My List’ with tonight’s five hours of viewing material.
Goal: Choose your daily mantra that you can repeat 15 times whenever you’re stressed or having difficulty concentrating.
Reality: Adopt the mantra: “Everything is great.” Repeat it to yourself fifteen times on the subway platform. Then again on the subway. Then again when a 21-year bumps into you on the sidewalk because she’s scanning through @greenisgood4u’s photos and “oops!” Isn’t that cute? Then again when your boss asks if you want to “catch up” before you’ve even put your bag down. Then again when you remember that “happy hour” now means an event sponsored by work where employees sample different juice cleanses.
Healthier Drinking Habits
Goal: Cut back on your coffee consumption, or — better yet! — start drinking green tea instead.
Reality: Chug three cups of green tea in one hour, watch your hands start to shake, notice that you hate everyone around you, especially that one guy with the tan that always enters a room saying, “How’s everybody feeling today?!” Walk (quickly) towards the Keurig machine. Make two cups of coffee with two pods each. Tell yourself that those pods are probably biodegradable. Tell yourself that everything is great.
Goal: Keep a bullet journal.
Reality: Spend $30 on a leather bound journal, $25 on sharp-tipped pens and markers, $15 on a tiny sleeve of designer stickers and then one hour of time watching bullet journal tutorials on YouTube. Do not bullet journal.
Chow Down Choices
Goal: When lunchtime comes, reach for a fresh-squeezed green juice instead of a salad, whenever possible.
Reality: Reach for the spicy tuna roll instead of the shrimp tempura, whenever possible. (Fewer calories — good for you!)
Goal: Set a timer and fall asleep instantly for a quick 20 minute nap!
Reality: “Refresh” your brain by scrolling through shockingly offensive Facebook group pages for the good part of an hour.
Find Your Inner Balance
Goal: Align your chakras.
Reality: Pop a Xanax.
Goal: Change into your Lululemon Wunder Tights at work, and then walk the 18 blocks to your fav yoga studio. Come prepared with your own mat and block.
Reality: Show up at yoga class late wearing an oversized t-shirt that says, “Gotcha!” Rent mat for $3 and pay with loose change you dig out of the bottom of your bag. Take child’s pose when needed.
Goal: Feel your hamstrings burn as you hold chair pose with a twist.
Reality: Take child’s pose.
Goal: Prepare a satisfying, healthy, delicious vegan dinner.
Reality: Seamless. Extra spicy dan dan noodles, fried spring rolls, scallion pancakes, sesame chicken — hold the broccoli.
Goal: Make healthy lunches for the rest of the week.
Reality: Cut the tags off your new matching apron and oven mitts. Roast a spaghetti squash after drizzling it with olive oil! Poach a few cage-free eggs! Boil enough ancient grains for a team of horses, steam a bunch of carrots and broccoli, saute some spinach and Shitake mushrooms in coconut oil and Bragg Liquid Aminos. Scoop everything into equally-portioned tupperware containers.
Eat the contents of one container on Monday. On Tuesday, eat the contents but also eat two handfuls of peanut butter-filled pretzels and a thing of fruit snacks immediately afterwards. On Wednesday, forget your lunch after hitting snooze too many times. Eat Chipotle. (Double meat.) On Thursday, pick at the contents of the tupperware and remark to a coworker that her chicken tikka masala from the street cart on the corner smells really good. Go buy chicken tikka masala from the street cart on the corner. On Friday: throw out the tupperware. Throw out all the tupperwares.
Goal: Replenish your body's magnesium levels by soaking in a warm, Epson salt-filled, bath.
Reality: Stand underneath a hot shower for 20 minutes, drinking your third bottle of Yuengling.
Goal: Write down 20 things you’re grateful for each day.
Reality: Write down nothing and then complain about how they ran out of Milk Duds at work.
Goal: Turn off all your electronic devices before going to bed.
Reality: Place your smartphone next to (touching?) your face and reach a finger out to tap it 5-6 times during the night in order to check the time. And your Facebook notifications.