Our national nightmare is over. Shia LaBeouf has watched every one of his movies, and lived to tell the tale. Sure, he fell asleep in the aisle during Transformers 3, but that’s perfectly reasonable. In the history of actors going through Some Deep Shit, LaBeouf’s seeming mental breakdown ranks up there; unless he’s a much better actor than we thought, these past two years have been a sincere self-examination of a young “artist” who sold out to Hollywood. And it’s certainly more interesting than Joaquin Phoenix’s bullshit claim to have quit acting for a rap career.
But then Shia had to open his big, fat, stupid mouth and ruin the goodwill he’d just earned Speaking with the Hollywood Reporter:
“I think people hate me. That’s just what goes on in my head. And all I want to do is be liked. I walked out loving myself. Not in some grandiose, you’re f—ing awesome way, but in like, you’re a part of a community. You’re a part of this human thing.”
Go back to bed, LaBeouf.
Down with the Ambien Defense
When Conrad Hughes Hilton III — Paris Hilton’s spoiled brat brother and all-around fuckwit — was arrested for a 10-hour rampage aboard British Airways flight 269 from London to Los Angeles, he used the Ambien Defense. That is to say, he wasn’t responsible for his actions because he’d taken the powerful sleeping pill but, alas, hadn’t fallen asleep. It is well documented that Ambien can prompt parasomniac behavior.
The ploy worked for the billionaire brat, and Ambien is now regularly scapegoated by assholes behaving badly. The Ambien Defense is particularly fashionable for transcontinental flying. This week, lawyers for Kamila Dolniak claimed the Polish citizen was zonked out on the little blue pills when she tried to open an exit door on a flight between London and Boston.
We’re not saying Dolniak is lying. Indeed, she wouldn’t be the first passenger to pop a pill for that trans-Atlantic hop. We are, however, saying there’s something wrong with her brain, Ambien notwithstanding, if she wanted to open the fucking door mid-flight.
She plead not guilty on Wednesday.
On the other hand, we have these two people who wish they hadn’t fallen asleep so soundly:
A trio of robbers stole a laptop and cellphone from two customers who fell asleep at a Long Island McDonald's, and when one of the patrons awoke and confronted the group, they sprayed a chemical in his face and ran off, authorities said. Police said a man and two women caused a disturbance in the McDonald's on Hempstead Turnpike around 11:30 p.m. Sunday.
As NBC New York reports, “The man grabbed the electronics from customers who had fallen asleep at separate tables as the trio left the fast-food restaurant.”
Separate tables? Exactly how many diners are sleeping at any given time at this particular McDonald’s?
If you’re not familiar with Nine Muses (above), you’re probably not Korean. The K-pop girl band has been a mainstay on South Korean radio since their 2010 debut album, Let's Have a Party, sold a million copies. Or drove a million downloads. Or was streamed a billion times. Or whatever. No one knows how the music industry works anymore.
The ineptly named eight-member band (the lineup changes) continues to pump out the hits. To tease their upcoming release, each bandmember filmed a bizarre short video that, for reasons unknown, involves insomnia and, in some cases, food. Here, for example, is Sojin’s:
I lived in South Korea for a number of years, and I still don’t understand what’s going on. Like the music industry itself, no one actually understands K-pop. Remember, this is the genre that gave us “Gangham Style.” It’s a big mystery.
Find all of the videos here.
Finally, to start your weekend right, a video of a puppy falling asleep on a baby, found via the Daily Mail: