Life is hard, and mornings suck. How many times have you wished you could just stay in bed for the rest of your life, where everything is warm and nothing can hurt you?
These movie characters had that wish too. But unlike you, they actually made it happen. That’s why we love them so much — they're so committed to their beds that they literally never get out.
Are these people nuts? Just a little eccentric? Or are they actually the sanest characters ever portrayed in cinema? You decide.
Grandpa Joe, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Much has been written about how Grandpa Joe (Jack Albertson) is the true villain of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. But as far as we’re concerned, Grandpa Joe is a hero. This man has life figured out: Spend your entire life in bed and just have your grandson do all the work (and support your tobacco habit). Genius.
When the Bucket family is blessed with a Golden Ticket, it’s perfect timing for Grandpa Joe to get out of bed and collect his riches. Congratulations, Joe — it’s nice to know that good things really do happen to good people.
Leona Stevenson, Sorry, Wrong Number
Hollywood icon Barbara Stanwyck may be better remembered for other roles, but it’s her Leona Stevenson we’ll never forget. A rich, spoiled woman who convinces herself that she’s “sick,” Leona is one crazy lady who refuses to ever leave her crib — not even when she suspects that someone might be coming to her house to murder her.
Physically, there’s nothing wrong with Leona, but she refuses to admit that. Even during the film’s climactic ending, when getting out of bed is crucial to her survival, Leona still refuses to leave. Hey, we love the commitment, girl.
Miss Rollings, True Stories
In David Byrne’s strange-but-brilliant cult film True Stories, we’re introduced to multiple weirdos who inhabit the fictional town of Virgil, Texas. Surprisingly, one of the most down-to-earth residents is Miss Rollings (Swoosie Kurtz), a rich old lady who never leaves her bed. “She’s not sick,” our narrator tells us. “She’s got enough money she doesn’t have to. Wouldn’t you?”
Miss Rollings’ life is pretty sweet — she has a robot maid, plenty of things to watch on TV and there’s an awesome sequence where she jams out to Talking Heads’ “Love for Sale.” But even the bed-ridden need love and, at the end, Miss Rollings decides to get married. You’ll never guess where she holds the wedding.
Zelda, Pet Sematary
Pet Sematary has a zombie cat, a zombie baby and a zombie wife. But forget all of that. The most horrifying part of Pet Sematary is Zelda (Andrew Hubatsek, playing a woman), the disfigured sister of Rachel Creed (Denise Crosby) who was kept hidden in the back bedroom “like a dirty secret.”
Years after Zelda’s death, Rachel is still haunted by her through nightmarish visions, including the iconic scene where Zelda shouts “I’m going to twist your back like mine, so you’ll never get out of bed again.”
Terrifying. Traumatizing. But hey, never getting out of bed again. Tell us more…
Muqtada, It’s Kind of a Funny Story
Living in a psychiatric ward can be hard, but for Craig (Keir Gilchrist), it’s even harder when your roommate is Muqtada (Bernard White), a smelly Egyptian man who never gets out of bed. Even worse, he’s a total cockblock. (There’s a surprising amount of young, beautiful girls roaming the halls of the psych ward.)
The one good thing about having a bed-attached roommate? There’s always someone around when you’re feeling depressed, which Craig feels all the time. “You’ve had it figured out all along, Muqtada,” Craig tells him at one point. “Never get out of the bed.” That’s the spirit.
Agatha K. Plummer, Harriet the Spy
The fabulous Eartha Kitt played a number of memorable characters, but our favorite is Agatha K. Plummer, the bed-bound old woman whose house Harriet the Spy (Michelle Trachtenberg) sneaks into. Let me tell you, Agatha K. Plummer is one rad old lady. “I have the secret of life,” Agatha announces. “You simply crawl into your bed and you never, ever leave it again.”
So true, Eartha Kitt. You left us too soon, but at least we’ll always have these wise words of wisdom.
The movie character who most fully commits to his bed is poor old Victor (Michael Reid MacKay), the “Sloth” victim in John Doe’s (Kevin Spacey) murder spree inspired by the Seven Deadly Sins.
Victor is the most committed to his bed because, well, he can’t leave it even if he tried. Tied to his bed for an entire year, Victor was fed barely enough not to die from hunger, but left brain dead through the process. It’s hard to feel too bad for Victor, seeing as he was a pedophile.
Oh, and did I mention he ate his tongue while tied up? Breakfast in bed, indeed.