Want to really know how a couple is doing? Find out how well they sleep together. Don’t, like, creep around with a night vision camera — just ask. The way a couple rests says a lot about their dynamic. Partners and spouses can be exceedingly perfect together during the day. But, as a Red Woman once said, the night is dark and full of terrors.
Okay. Not terrors of the regicidal-smoke-baby variety. But when couples have sizable discrepancies in sleep preference, the person with whom you share a bed becomes a sheet-hogging, white noise-loving, can’t-sleep-without-body-contact rival, shutting you out from shut-eye. Sometimes all it takes is a quick compromise; other times couples find the weird bedroom habits adorably quirky; still other times middle ground is nowhere to be found (probably because he’s hogging it with his stupid legs the way he always does) and extreme measures are taken.
So, we’ve decided to explore the good, bad, weird and wild ways different couples tackle the act of sleep. First up: up-and-coming comedy couple Murf Meyer and Diana Kolsky.
For the duo, everything is a team effort; their marriage, their critically acclaimed podcast, Ménage à Trois Radio, and even their sleeping rituals. Both are involved in various projects that keep them busy all day long. Kolsky is a stand up comedian, UCB Theater regular, graphic designer, illustrator and author; Meyer is the announcer for “The Chris Gethard Show”, a regular UCB Theater performer and a successful voice-over artist. (You may also recognize him from his recent appearances on “Broad City,” “How to Be Single,” and “Younger.”) During the few hours they can devote to sleep, they’ve figured out the fine-art of bed sharing through love and adorable bickering. Here, the funny people sound off on some of the issues they face sharing a bed.
Meyer: I do snore. I think the more alcoholic beverages I have before sleep, the more I snore.
Kolsky: Murf wakes me up when he snores.
Meyer: Yup, sometimes I have to turn over on my side to make it stop, when it gets a little too loud.
Kolsky: We’re both overweight, which makes it worse. We did a cleanse once, and we both lost 10 pounds, and it made the snoring stop.
Meyer: Yes, when the jowls get a little bit bigger...that’s when I start to snore a bit more.
Kolsky: We don’t really touch when we sleep.
Meyer: No. When we’re first getting into bed, I’m usually very sweaty. We try to keep the windows open, but it’s hard with the weather in the Northeast. It’s usually so goddamn humid in the room, so I’m just profusely sweating.
Kolsky: I get really cold. So, then I’ll try to nestle up, but then it’s just too sweaty. It’s a dance that we do all night. Snoring and sweating. We’re really attractive people.
Meyer: I think it’s a swap-up for big spoon/little spoon. It’s sort of just whatever drunken puddle we find ourselves in.
4. Sleep Schedules
Kolsky: We have pretty much the same schedule.
Meyer: Yeah, with all of the shows we do at night, and being out late, we usually end up being more of night owls.
Kolsky: We usually go to bed really late, and then have to get up early. We never get enough sleep, so then we pick one day of the week where we just don’t do anything.
Meyer: We just catch up on sleep.
5. Cover Stealing
Kolsky: That’s not an issue, because Murf doesn’t want covers and I want a sea of covers. I basically make myself into a little burrito. And he just lies naked in front of the window, in the middle of the winter. There’s a big temperature disparity. Like, I don’t even think I have any body heat of my own.
Meyer: I think when you go to sleep, you drop to subzero temperatures. Like a snake, or some sort of creature like that.
Kolsky: Yes, I’m like a snake, with her sweatpants tucked into her socks.
Meyer: And I’m a fat, sweaty bear.
6. Sleep farting
Meyer: Oh, yes, big time.
Kolsky: I don’t know, I’m asleep!
Meyer: I have thunderous flatulence, of course.
Kolsky: There’s a lot of smells in our bedroom. The farts never wake me up, but I definitely fall asleep to them. It’s as though I’m on the subway, with all of the sweat and smells. Isn’t that adorable?
Meyer: We should get a recorder going to catch them all.
7. Middle of the Night Commotion
Kolsky: If I get up in the middle of the night to pee, I feel like I’m definitely going to see the ghost of a child. Like, just the creepiest thing. And then I start thinking about it and freak out.
I do think it helps sharing a bed with someone though. It’s definitely when Murf is out of town when I’m most scared.
Meyer: I hear from older gentleman — usually in their sixties or so — about the prostate issues with peeing. I don’t know if I need to stop drinking after 8pm, or what, but I get up two or three times every night.
Kolsky: Maybe we should get that checked out.
Meyer: Yeah, I have nightmares about my prostate.
Kolsky: Murf woke up in the middle of the night recently, and told me he had just had a dream that something horrible happened to me. That was nice.
9. Choosing a Side
Meyer: You’re right side, I’m left side. To get back to the sweating, I mark my side. Whenever I roll over in the morning -- if Diana isn’t there or something -- I smell it, and am like, “This is a completely different experience!”
10. Noise Machines
Kolsky: We tried some different noise machines, but they didn’t work out. Wait, why didn’t those work out?
Meyer: We tried the classic thunderstorm noise machine, and the actual white noise machine, and we even got an app for it once.
Kolsky: It was too fancy. They tried to combine, like, crying babies mixed with like...
Meyer: ...a washing machine. Or a bird.
Kolsky: It was distracting, actually. Too loud.
Kolsky: Both of our alarms are songs, so now I associate both songs with misery.
Meyer: Now every time I hear those songs, all I can think of is, “Fuck, I have to wake up, and I really don’t want to.” We’ve ruined those songs forever.
12. Odd Habits
Kolsky: Murf talks in his sleep. He yells stuff like, “Get off the lawn!” He turns into an angry old man.
Meyer: I think we’ve got a good system worked out!
Kolsky: By the way, we’re doing this interview from our bed.